


Raw

by iceprinceloki



Series: Raw [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Protective John, Rally All Writers, Raw - Freeform, Teen Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 01:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6591586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iceprinceloki/pseuds/iceprinceloki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is in high school and having a really hard time with depression. John and Dean have noticed but Sam keeps saying he's fine. One night after a hard day Sam breaks down and talks to John about everything and for once John is a good parent and helps his son by relating his own experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Raw

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request on my story Stress Relief, it was requested by kris and I loved writing it. Because of the serious nature and my personal experience I decided to give the request it's own story so that the message gets around; it get's better so keep fighting.
> 
> This one draws on personal experience and of all the requests this has to be my favourite because of that. I'm not afraid to say I battle with depression on a daily basis, I've battled my whole life and I'm still going. It's hard to get up in the morning but it's possible, sometimes the most I say in a day is "I'm just tired." but it's important to keep pushing yourself on. Everyone who experiences depression has ups and down, I've lost friends to depression, I just want to say to anyone out there who reads this and feels down; it's worth it to keep going, there will be something good tomorrow, you just have to get there. I know it's hard to admit to feeling blue, if Jared Padalecki hadn't come forward I'd never have even considered it, it helps to talk and to let someone know what's happening so please do yourself a favour and talk to someone you trust. There are people out there who care about you, even complete strangers can be the kindest and most understanding people you ever talk to.

The first thing he noticed was the lack of eye contact, being the military man that he was it wouldn’t be tolerated. So he sent Sam for a six mile run and followed the boy in the impala to make sure he didn’t cheat. No matter how much John tried to get Sam to look him in the eye, the boy just wouldn’t.

The first thing Dean noticed was the withdrawal during normal activities. Sam was there but he wasn’t involved in what they did. While eating Sam would eat like normal but he wouldn’t eat the way that Dean was used to Sam eating; it was a robotic process. Brushing their teeth Dean would make silly faces at Sam in the mirror and the younger boy would try to smile but it never reached his eyes.

Then Sam had a hard time waking up in the mornings, he had a hard time staying asleep at night. Dean was worried, so was John, especially when Sam’s report card kept coming back with average grades. John and Dean expressed their concerns, but for every thing they noticed Sam’s answer was the same: “I’m fine, just really tired, don’t worry about it.”

One night they came back from a salt and burn late at night. Sam was more morose than usual before the hunt and now that it was over he seemed worse. Sam had been hurt by the ghost, a large gash on his shoulder, and Dean had been thrown into a tree when Sam accidentally lost the lighter. John understood that he couldn’t expect Sam to be perfect, at just thirteen years old, but he had shouted at the boy. Now Sam didn’t feel like eating and John pushed him, still in a bad mood from the hunt.

“You aren’t eating your mac and cheese Sam, everything okay?” Said Dean uncertainly.

Sam shrugged. “I’m just tired.”

John reached over to touch Sam’s forehead gently, feeling around for a fever. “You don’t have a fever, you feeling sick?”

“No dad, I told you I’m tired.”

John took a moment to compose himself before addressing Sam. “Dean worked hard to make that Sam, we don’t waste food in this family. If you don’t eat it now you have to eat it at school tomorrow.”

Sam sighed and put the food into the fridge without argument. He sat back down at the table and waited for his father and brother to finish eating.

“You done your homework Sam?”

Sam stiffened and slowly put a hand in his jean pocket, he pulled out a piece of paper that he handed to John.

John was stunned by the content of the letter. It was the principal of Sam’s school. His son had been fighting, and he’d failed his mid year exams flat out. John folded the letter and tucked it into his jacket pocket calmly, it didn’t matter because they were leaving in the morning, it did matter because it wasn’t like Sam.

John stood up and went to get the first aid kit. “Go boys go sit on the couch, I’ll be there to check you out and patch you up.”

They boys did as told and when John got there he found Dean topless, and Sam making the hole in his sleeve- at the shoulder where he’d been cut- bigger.

“I’ll do yours first Sam, take off your shirt.”

Sam looked at him with an awkward expression.

“Sam it’s nothing I haven’t seen, take it off.” John started setting the first aid stuff out on the table.

When he turned back Sam was staring at him, still fully clothed.

John huffed and took the hem of Sam’s shirt, quickly removing it before Sam could react. Sam yelped and grabbed his shirt back, but not before John saw them.

“Dean. Go out for a bit, you don’t have any open wounds.” John said without taking his eyes off of Sam.

Dean looked confused and he glanced back and forth between father and son, slowly he got up and pulled his top back on. John waited until Dean was out of the room before he sat beside Sam on the couch, and put an arm around his son’s shaking form.

“Sammy? I want an explanation.”

Sam’s bottom lip wobbled and John watched his baby boy break down in front of him. Sam cried silently, trying to keep John from noticing. John hadn’t seen his son so vulnerable and weak since their first hunt together, when Sam had to shoot a man in the heart to save his brother. The older hunter carefully lifted Sam onto his lap, holding him like a babe.

Sam clung to the front of his shirt desperately, and hid his face as he began to cry in earnest. John kissed Sam’s head and rubbed his back, he murmured soothing words and tried to coax words from his baby.

“What’s the matter Sam? What’s going on with you?”

It took a long time for Sam to stop crying but when he did John took the chance.

“Sam what’s happened to you?” He asked the teenager. “Why are you always so upset?”

Sam sniffled and wrapped his arms around his father's neck. “I don’t know.”

“Sam-”

“I don’t know! I just am okay? All the time and I-!” Sam broke off with a shudder and a sob.

John stroked his son’s hair. “You’re just sad? How often are you sad? How long has it been?”

“A long time.”

John felt his heart ache at the whispered confession. He took Sam’s right hand and straightened the boy’s arm, running a gentle finger across the scars there.

“This?”

“About a year….it feels good you know? I decide how deep they are or how long, I decide if I want them. I don’t get to decide much otherwise. It helps me focus my sadness away.” Sam said softly.

John wrapped his arms around Sam tightly and kissed his hair and forehead. “You should have said something Sam, I can help you with this.”

“How would you help? You’re never sad, you’re always angry! You’d have been angry with me if I just told you anyway.” Sam argued miserably.

John took a moment before stretching his on arm out and tugging his sleeve down. “I was in a war Sam, I watched my friends die. I saw your momma-......never mind that, point is I know how it is to be sad without knowing why.”

Sam reached a hand out and touched his dad’s arm, following the scars so similar to his own.

“You do it too?”

“I did it a long time ago. I understand Sam, I wanna help you.” John murmured. “So far I know about the fights, the poor grades, the appetite and sleep habit change….anything I’m missing? Which came first, the sadness or all that?”

“The sadness I think.” Sam mumbled, not looking at John. “I got picked on for being alone all the time, couldn’t get my homework in cause the other boys were trashing it, eventually I just didn’t feel like going to school or eating. I don’t why I was sad to begin with though, I keep trying to figure it out but it only makes me feel worse.”

John looked down at Sam and stroked his hair back from his face. “Whatever the cause of this, I can tell you that cutting yourself up isn’t going to help. Talking to people who care about you helps, even talking to a stranger helps Sammy. You can beat this, but not alone.”

Sam nodded and the tears started to slip down his cheeks again. “I didn’t want to tell you and Dean, I thought you’d be mad at me. I thought you’d think I’m weak and looking for attention, and then you’d leave me at the motel when you go on hunts like you used to. I don’t like being alone.”

Sam was in full blown tears and John gathered up the small form and rocked him back and forth soothingly.

“Listen to me Sam, you are not weak; would a weak person get out of bed and go about their day as usual when they really don’t want to? Does a weak person keep fighting through so much pain? I could never be disappointed in you, and I would never leave you behind over something like this. I will always be here for you Sam, you’re always my boy and I’ll always love you.”

John felt his own tears pooling but he blinked them away. ‘Sam needs me to be strong…...Sam needs to see that it’s okay to not be strong all the time.’ John let his tears slip down his cheeks into Sam’s hair.

The boy looked up at him, red faced and amazed. “Dad..you’re...”

“I’m happy Sam, I’m happy that I know about how you’re feeling, because now I can protect you.” John held Sam’s chin in his hand gently. “Promise me you won’t ever stop fighting.”

Sam nodded. “I promise. Thanks dad…..”


End file.
